Molly Weatherfield, author of Carrie’s Story and Safe Word, a.k.a. Pam Rosenthal Interview

Posted on April 17, 2025 by Lola Down

Dear fans of erotica and romance, today we have a very special interview for you:

Pam Rosenthal, a.k.a. Molly Weatherfield – PART ONE – Carrie’s Story

Pam/Molly is an award winning author in both the genres of romance and erotica! That doesn’t happen to just anybody! I had just finished reading her first published erotica novel, Carrie’s Story, and I felt such a kinship with both the titular character and the author. I looked her up, reached out, and – to my great luck – she was willing to chat! Then she was willing to do an interview. Now, if you haven’t heard of her (and, I admit, I had only heard of her in passing about a year ago), you totally should have! Why? Because her writing – style, plot, characters, and basic command of the English language – put that other ho-hum popularizer of erotica/BDSM fiction to shame! That’s right, 50 Shades should have been called “50 Degrees Not-As-Good-As Molly Weatherfield!” Or maybe, “16 Years Late!” No, really! Anything that pale best seller had to offer was there in Carrie’s Story, and more – whoa so much more! Don’t take my word for it. Read both for yourselves and get back to me.

Luckily, some have seen the quality in Molly/Pam. In October of 2006, Playboy called Carrie’s Story one of the top 25 sexiest novels ever written! Number 12, in fact – just after Lolita (which, in HH’s humble opinion is the best erotica ever written) and just before Erica Jong’s Fear of Flying. Not too shabby!

Playboy’s 25 Sexiest Novels Ever Written

Number 12 – Top 50 Percentile

That’s not the only list she’s made. There’s also “33 of the Best Erotic Novels of All Time.” Now, if you read that list, you’ll see that it is hardly “of all time.” I mean, there’s nothing prior to Lady Chatterley’s Lover from 1929 on the list. But hey, “33 of the Best Relatively Recent Erotic Novels” just doesn’t have the same pizazz.

Speaking of lists, one particular author I know (in a Biblical way) made the list of ranker.com‘s “Best Sensual Fiction Writers” (even though HH isn’t writing “fiction”). We’d both appreciate it if you’d take a moment to vote us up on the list. Thanks!

Classic and Updated

Now, let’s get to the interview!

Carrie’s Story (updated cover)

Lola – OMG! It is such an honor to interview you! However, I have to be honest, so far I have only read your BDSM erotic novel, Carrie’s Story. That’s why this interview is PART ONE. I look forward to reading Safe Word and then having a second interview. And, maybe, when I can, reading some of your Romance work, like A House East of Regent Street, which you published under your own name, Pam Rosenthal. But tell me, what’s your background? How did you get into writing?

Molly – I’ve always thought of myself as a lifelong English major, in love with reading and writing, and a little shaky in terms of earnings potential. For most of my life I managed to pay the bills as a computer programmer, which was hard, though also stimulating, pretending to have technical chops. Before Carrie, I never considered writing fiction; what writing I did was lit-crit or wonky nonfiction stuff, often about computers and science fiction, published in obscure leftwing venues, but pretty exciting to me intellectually and even artistically (I got the name Molly, for example, from the mirror-shades girl in the classic cyberpunk novel Neuromancer).

I’ve also been a feminist since I came to adulthood in the late 60s (I’m pretty old, as anybody who did the math can figure out). And I also had a secret passion for SM erotica, at least since high school when I somehow glommed onto the Marquis de Sade. Which two parts of my belief system weren’t easy to reconcile, especially since 60s-70s second-wave feminism was particularly disapproving of anything smacking of sexual “objectification.”

But it was my great good fortune to be in the right place at the right time to begin to resolve my dilemmas. I don’t know if your readers will know this history, but in the early 1980s there was a big split among feminists called “the sex wars,” where some devastatingly brilliant women began to challenge feminist orthodoxy, and to insist that their erotic and affective lives, their role-playing, style of dress, (even their lipstick) didn’t invalidate their personal power. This might sound quaint to you, but for me it was huge when feminists started theorizing about sexuality, writing erotica, plumbing the boundaries of autonomy and desire. There was a lot of backlash; a friend, the late Amber Hollibaugh, was thrown off a panel at Barnard College for talking about butch/femme lesbian roles. But I was inspired, and had the good luck to meet legends like Susie Bright and many others, and to read great, smart erotic stuff — fiction and non-fiction both, which probably got my writing instincts going, though I didn’t know it yet.

Lola – Carrie’s Story is. . . how should I say? It pushes so many limits. How did you hit on this story? Did the character of Carrie come to you first or did the deep, dark adventures just unfold as you went along? What was the creative process?

Molly – I remember the first time I tried to write an SM story. It was a lazy, sunny Sunday after sex, and I was feeling really good and loosey-goosey, which I guess freed up my thoughts in some way. So, when my mind drifted to SM fantasies — and then to the fears of fascism that sometimes also flowed in along with the sexual stuff — I felt a little braver than usual, a little less guilty and a little more adventurous. Maybe sex-positive feminist thinking had actually started to penetrate; in any case, I began to wonder whether I was really the sicko I feared I was. What would happen, I wondered, if I actually let the fantasies rip? What would they look like if I wrote them down (what a concept)? So I sat down to find out.

For hours. There I sat in my ratty pink terrycloth bathrobe, scribbling and smiling and just… happy. I totally didn’t know what I was doing — I even had to run to the bookshelf to see how to punctuate dialogue. And when I wrote COMMA CLOSE QUOTE HE SAID PERIOD, I felt like God.

The story stank, though it did have a character sort of like Jonathan and a few characters who found their way into Safe Word. But it was such fun, and I felt so much myself, that I was determined to keep writing, and maybe even trust my own moral sense. Because I found that in my fantasies, I was totally turned on — obsessed really — by the idea of mutual consent, and the subtle, interesting places that can take the imagination and the relationship. I’m interested in people playing power games, exploring strange places, but from a position of mutual agreement as to the boundaries of the fantasy space. I am absolutely not interested in sex where deep down (in like reality, like in government or the economy, or like on Jeffrey Epstein’s private island) the power is unequal.

What was missing, of course, was Carrie. The smart-girl voice who’d been in my head since Jo March, and in western fiction since Elizabeth Bennet and Jane Eyre. The brave girl who fights the power with words and wit, and who can own the experience through her smarts. I realized I needed her to tell the story I was evidently dreaming up when I “heard” that voice in a fantasy novel called Beauty, by Sheri S. Tepper.

Anyhow, once I realized that Carrie would be telling the story, and that it was a story — that is, that she feels a need to tell us how she got to where she is when she’s telling it (which we don’t know yet, except for the auction, but which suggests a lot of SM tropes), I felt like I was cleared to go. That compulsion to tell how you got where you are is a powerful narrative engine, and I began to see how you could apply this to BDSM, with its tropes of training and discipline. Even if I didn’t know the ending, I felt that it would emerge in the telling. And oddly, the first publisher, Masquerade Books, caught the mood perfectly with the cover of the first edition: something about those wide light eyes, those parted lips (other Masquerade editions went way downhill from there).

Carrie’s Story – Original Masquerade Publishing Cover

Carrie’s Story, Most Recent (and Tame) Cover

Lola – You published this in ʼ94, so you must have been writing it earlier than that. Just to be clear – that was well before 50 Shades of Grey and its imitators took BDSM into the mainstream. Were you scared by what you had written? Did you think you’d ever find a publisher for it, or an audience? What was it like to be writing this stuff at that time?

Molly – I probably started writing it in ʼ91 or so. I was in no hurry, because it felt like its own reward to be exploring my fantasy life, opening up my imagination and sharing it with my husband, who began to share his as well. I don’t usually think of myself as brave, but I did while I was writing, and that felt amazing. And yeah, sure I was scared. “Always scared,” as Carrie says at some point. Because isn’t that what bravery is, to be willing to go where it’s scary? Isn’t that how we always get where we’re going, to find our limits as we go?

Still, I wasn’t writing in a vacuum. I was breathing the air of the San Francisco sex-positive feminist community, standing on the shoulders of giants, if you will. I was playing catch-up, reading lots of erotic fiction and theory, and adding a lot of stuff from my own reading over the years. And of course, since Carrie’s a brilliant, prodigy student intellectual, it all kind of fit together for me.

As to whether I’d find a publisher: at first I really had no idea whether the thing was publishable. I thought the writing was good; I have a fair amount of confidence in my voice. But I didn’t know if my particular take on how body and mind work together would resonate with anybody else — and of course there’s always the fear of revealing oneself and grossing people out. “It’s a pure act,” I kept telling myself. “It’s its own reward.” And — certainly compared to Fifty Shades of Grey — the Carrie books are clearly a niche taste. But as the years go by, and as still, after 30 years, every so often I open my email to read some absolutely amazing, deeply thought communication from one or another reader, the thrill of making connection never gets old.

Carrie’s Story as I imagine it

Lola – The book, and its smart, sensual, and masochistic titular main character make frequent reference to erotica classics, most notably, Story of O by Pauline Réage. What were the books that influenced you the most in writing this one and why?

Adaptation of Story of O

Molly – I’ve already mentioned the Marquis de Sade, who was in many ways a dreadful person, but I read bits and pieces when I was a teenager, and it stayed with me. A couple of years after that I read Susan Sontag’s essay, “The Pornographic Imagination,” and she talked about how porn is often funny, which gave me permission, years later, to make Carrie funny. Anyway, Sade is funny, in a weird, cold, whacked-out way (for more on this, for anybody who’s curious, you can read the piece I wrote for Salon.com, which is still kicking around the internet at https://www.salon.com/1998/11/19/feature_459/).

Histoire d Lo

Then, of course, Story of O, which came out in English in 1966, the same summer as Bob Dylan’s record Blonde on Blonde, which was the summer I connected with the guy I’ve been married to for more than 50 years now. We passed his copy of Story of O back and forth in bed. (And many years later I wrote about it, also for Salon, https://www.salon.com/1998/08/06/feature_12/)

Blonde on Blonde?

The next, important books came years later: Gayle Rubin, the brilliant queer theorist and cultural anthropologist, recommended Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty books, and I ran-not-walked to get hold of them. I think I’d find them unreadable now (all that spanking!), but at the time, I just gobbled them up, because I loved the equal-opportunity sexuality (women as tops and bottoms; gay and straight combinations cheerfully intermingling). And I loved the Disneyland fairy-tale setting. It was so light-hearted, so technicolor: I was totally energized by the idea of this sexual magic kingdom.

Sleeping Beauty

There were also small-press books written by local (often queer) authors, that were super hot. Pat (now Patrick) Califia, Aaron Travis, Carol Queen, Thomas Roche, and Simon Sheppard are names that spring to mind, but there were lots more: San Francisco in the 80s and 90s was bursting with creative erotic imagination; I met Tristan Taormino at an open mic, for example. And this week I went to a Zoom memorial for the recently-deceased Dorothy Freed, a stalwart at erotic writers groups, whose memoir of her longtime, loving marriage to her BDSM partner, Life After Promiscuity, I totally recommend (I copy-edited it).

Perfect Strangers by Dorothy Freed

Lola – Though the story-line is fanciful, many of the scenes are ones that could have a basis in reality. Were any of the sexy scenarios drawn from your real-life experience?

Molly – No. Sorry. My real-life experience is much more about subtle signals and shared imaginings. A funny thing, though, is that some people I used to work with as a programmer are sure they know who I took as my model for Carrie — and they won’t tell me who!

Porn inspired by Carrie’s Story

Lola – Did you dare show the novel to any of your friends, lovers, or family when it was still in manuscript form? If so, how did they react? And how did they react when it got published?

Molly – I’ve always been ridiculously, naively open about this stuff. There were some people who totally didn’t get it, but in general I received remarkably little pushback, and incredible help from friends who agreed to be beta readers, including the guy who corrected a quote from the Latin somewhere. My husband, in particular, is a tough, brilliant editor who pulls no punches and always helps me improve whatever I write. I even came out to my mother about it (a long story how that happened), though I strenuously warned her not to read the stuff. But when a piece of Safe Word got into some iteration of Best American Erotica, of course she read it anyway – the word “best” just being too much for her. “What did you think?” I asked her somewhat grimly. “It was Very. Well. Written,” she replied, through a jaw that might have been wired shut. And that was that.

Lola in her collar

Lola – Before this interview, you told me that the story never got optioned by any film companies. It’s so cinematographic. I could totally picture everything in my mind. I am surprised no one offered that to you, especially after the box-office killing that the ho-hum 50 Shades pulled in. Any ideas why not?

Carrie’s Story definitely inspired many movies

Molly – I’m so flattered you think that, and I do think that one of the things I do well is move characters through imagined space. But as for actually making a movie out of it… maybe it’s better that nobody has. Carrie goes through a lot of stuff that would be far less engaging if you had to look at it rather than imagine it as told through her smart-ass commentary. Or as a leatherman friend once said to me, “Pam, pain hurts!”

Pain Hurts, but degradation?

Lola – I’m sorry for the comparison and any spoilers, but, it seems to me the whole boring premise of 50 Shades is “Will she or won’t she?” sign the contract, that is. In Carrie’s Story, there is a contract, but the joke is that it’s all just cosplay, though the pain, degradation, abasement, and humiliation are real. However, Carrie can say no at any time. As I read it, I found it interesting to wonder, “How far will she go?” And it seemed to me like this was Carrie’s question too: “How far will I go?” And she goes pretty damn far! How did the plot drive the novel for you?

Molly – I think you’ve intuited what I’m going to answer. That the energy that makes the plot go was my energy, my curiosity about how far my fantasy life would go. You can’t fake that energy — or at least I can’t.

Lola – I was so glad to learn that there was a sequel because, if I have any criticism of the book, it’s that it ended prematurely. I wanted it to go on – so badly! Just like I want this interview to go on. I guess I have to get reading. But, quick question, the audio book, narrated by Shana Savage, is just fantastic! Were you involved in choosing her for that format?

The only way to fly is listening to erotica

Molly – I was involved, and it is fantastic. Susie Bright, who produced the audio, let me choose between 3 finalists, and I chose Shana. And I’m so proud that in 2014 the audio book won an Audie award for best erotica — first time they gave an award for erotica.

Eargasms

Lola – Thanks again! We will continue this soon, I hope!!!!

Molly – Thank you, and hope to speak again.

Pam Rosenthal/Molly Weatherfield

Golden Girls – Queen Bev

Posted on March 21, 2025 by Lola Down

Queen Bev enjoys Match, Cinder & Spark!

Our second Golden Girl and latest member of The Match Book Club, is Queen Bev – “The Super FUPA” (Fat Upper Pussy Area)! She LOVES to post sexy photos of herself and only came to this later in life. No matter! She’s sexy as hell! Here’s Lola’s interview with her. (If you missed our first “Golden Girl” – Candi Annie – you can check her out HERE.)

Queen Bev reads Match, Cinder & Spark

Queen Bev touching her FUPA

All hail the Queen!

Queen Bev Spreads

LOLA: When did you start posing nude and why?

QB: Two years ago now, so 2023, to help boost my confidence.

Bev in Fishnets

Queen Bev FUPA from behind

Queen Bev Supa FUPA

LOLA: I see you actually met up with a few people that look like you originally met them on-line. How did that happen and how’d you like it?

Queen Bev with fan Jamie Reed

Jamie Reed fills the FUPA of Queen Bev

QB: I met up with two different guys from social media. The first guy I met two different times last year. It was amazing. We had a great connection. Too bad he was married. We still talk a little bit. We would do it again, but he is a little ways away and it cost money for me to get there. The second guy is an hour away from me and he has come to see me twice and I went to see him twice. He has a girlfriend and supposedly they’re not good together, but who knows? You never know what guys are telling the truth or not, but he’s really good and he’s actually coming over this weekend.

Actual Bev ad

LOLA: Oooh, nice! So, did posting nudes of yourself increase your confidence?

Queen Bev all-over golden tan

QB: Truthfully, yes and no. Yes because you see the comments and the emojis from the guys. But for me, I had had a bad ex-husband he made me feel not good enough. So I constantly compare myself to the other women. It doesn’t matter if they’re thinner or bigger. If they’re thinner and they have bigger boobs, or have smaller boobs, but they’re bigger, then I feel they’re better or more beautiful. It’s worse when I post my pictures, but I love taking pictures of myself and I like showing, but then I have all these feelings that I’m not good enough.

Queen Bev made this on a bad self-confidence day

What do you think of Queen Bev?

LOLA: Do any of your friends or family know about your sexy posts?

QB: No. (Long pause.) Wait a minute! My cousin found pictures of me on a different app that somebody posted without my permission, so he knows. That was a little embarrassing but he said I look good. I’m like, OK whatever.

Queen Bev having some fun

LOLA: What are your kinks?

QB: I don’t know if you call it a kink or not, but I like watching the guys jack off. Sometimes they’re jacking off to me, sometimes just jacking off. I like seeing it.

Queen Bev in a thong. Jack anyone?

Queen Bev celebrates the luck of the Irish

Doesn’t Queen Bev look like fun?

Queen Bev can’t keep her clothes on long though

LOLA: Your pics and vids show you peeing and masturbating. Do you like doing that for others, for strangers?

QB: I do it for the guys. I’d rather do it in person, but this is the next best thing.

Queen Bev Water Sports

Queen Bev keeps the FUPA slick

LOLA: How did you like Match, Cinder & Spark?

QB: It was awesome! It inspired me to take some photos in short-shorts.

Queen Bev in her short-shorts

LOLA: Thanks Queen Bev! This has been fun!!!

Queen Bev getting off to Lo

Queen Bev Back

Queen Bev Front

Queen Bev Back Again

Queen Bev’s beauty runs in the family.

Stunning!

The Golden Girls – Candi Annie

Posted on March 18, 2025 by Lola Down

Cute Candi Annie

We’re starting a new category for this blog – “The Golden Girls” – that will feature sexy mature women (and their men). This week we’re going to begin with a woman who has been in the lifestyle before it was called that. Candi Annie was introduced to poly relationships real early and she hasn’t let up. She’s in her sixties now and still going strong. If you like what you read and see, leave her a sweet comment.

Here’s the interview:

LOLA – Tell us about yourself. Where’d you grow up? Where’d you go to school? What did you do for most of your life? And how did you get into taking sexy photos and making sexy films?

Candi Annie in red

C.A. – I grew up in a small town in upstate New York and went to college in Boston- to a long gone, all girls college- Bay State Junior College. Getting away from all the limitations of a small town was an eye opener for me especially when it came to sex. I wanted to do it all and let all inhibitions go away. I tried everything I could think of sexually. A married couple that I actually “dated” at the time opened me up to not only the lifestyle having sex with other women which was great and sex on-camera. They actually arranged my first venture into hardcore porn for my eighteenth birthday where they bought me a ticket to LA to be in a “professional” porn shoot. It was so exciting and fun! My life took a turn after college and I had one bad relationship after another and my sexuality was put on the back burner for a number of reasons.

Unfortunately, the “professional porn shoot” pics are lost, but Candi Annie has tried to make up for it in later life.

Candi Annie with AARP volunteers.

Candi Annie getting off

LOLA – Where did you meet your husband and how did you two grow into the lifestyle you lead now?

C.A. – I met Al on the island of St. Croix where he was living and I was getting away from a cold New York winter and another bad relationship. We hit it off immediately! We talked for hours just walking around under the warm tropical night it was so amazing to find someone that I could tell everything to and he did not judge me. That openness is what solidified our relationship from the beginning. He never thought of me as a slut or anything like that, neither of us were virgins, what BS! He was excited to know of my previous experiences and was always wanting to know what made me feel good. The first time he went down on me it was electric, my most amazing orgasm in years! The sex just kept getting better and we were like 20 yr olds having sex 4-5 times a day. We never really thought of the lifestyle since our sex lives were already great, we just didn’t need it. But early on erotic photos did add some excitement and kept that “spark” alive.

Candi Annie with a friend at home.

Candi Annie likes to dress up to go out.

Candi Annie hitting on the staff.

LOLA – I can’t believe you’re sixty! You look great! Any special hints for preserving that beauty – both in terms of your face and also your great body?

C.A. – I am getting older and I certainly see the wrinkles more and more but I have always believed in good fast paced walks 3-4 times a week, nothing crazy and frankly speaking we still have sex every day- usually wake up sex that is usually all oral. I wake up to Al licking my pussy and after I reach my orgasm, Al brings his cock to my mouth and I “milk” him. Maybe that has something to do with all over health too, a big mouthful of cum everyday! I have to admit I crave the taste!

Candi Annie says, “A load of cum in the morning keeps me looking young!”

Candi Annie, “Next!”

Candi Annie is an inspiration to Lola Down

LOLA – I’ve noticed that most of your posts are with men and mostly older men. What are you into – men, women? Would you enjoy being with a younger man or woman?

C.A. – Older men just seem to be more caring and sensual. Ever since I visited those adult theaters in College where older men surrounded me and fondled me in such an erotic and respectful manner that I never felt uncomfortable. I would enjoy one after another but they were never forceful or disrespectful. They wanted to see me enjoying myself as much as they wanted to get off! That theater is where I met the male half of that couple I mentioned earlier. They took me under their wings and introduced me to so many exciting sexual things. Age did become an issue as we went along since I was actually only 16 when I met them but we had a great couple years and all involved had a great time. I have absolutely zero regrets!

Candi Annie camping

Candi Annie greeting the neighbors at the campground

Candi Annie has been around since before women shaved the bush

LOLA – What are your kinks, fetishes, and taboo interests?

C.A. – I think I have done them all! At this point meeting fun, interesting couples to explore with is all that is left on the bucket list. To have other couples that are well traveled open, loving but are sensual, compassionate, respectful and more on the professional and quiet side is our primary interest now. We are beyond the wild loud parties and really tired of rude, crude and pushy guys.

Candi Annie working from home

Candi Annie ready for her next Zoom meeting

Candi Annie prepping for that big presentation.

Candi Annie waiting for your call

LOLA – How long have you done this – the sex posting – and how long do you hope to keep it up?

C.A. – We started posting erotic photos about twenty years ago and without doubt it has kept the spark in our relationship! Truthfully I think this may be my last year unless perhaps the financial side improves, our sex life is great and I think the couples – swingers resorts and cruises etc will be our focus moving beyond this year. Not everything has to be on camera.

Candi Annie camping again.

Keep going Candi Annie!

LOLA – Top bucket-list sex fantasy?

C.A. – Tops is to find those elusive perfect couples to explore with! They should both be Bi, as well as the previously mentioned prerequisites. Age is irrelevant as long as everything else comes together, but it will take a “mature” couple to hit it off with us- that is an attitude not an age.

Candi Annie looking great!

LOLA – Books, movies, TV shows, and other porn stars you like?

C.A. – As far as pornstars- Nina Hartley is my long time crush and with her age she just gets more impressive. I am somewhat of a John Grisham fan and read most his books . Love erotic tales as well and of course Match, Cinder & Spark books! For TV shows I love comedy!!

Nina Hartley back in the day

Nina Hartley looking hot!

Nina Hartley timeless!

LOLA – What’s your relationship with your fans?

C.A. – I have some amazing on-line lovers! It is such a turn on for me to know the men masturbate as they watch me and cum as they think of me. If that is not some kind of LOVE I don’t know what is! My biggest thrill is to receive video tributes that show them masturbating as they watch my video and end with a huge flow of cum going all over the screen! As far as meeting in person, I am very careful and let Al deal with that. I like the fantasy that I share with my lovers on-line and living up to that in person does not always work out. They have thoughts of what I am like and I love to share and let their fantasy continue but meeting the real me can let them down and that frankly terrifies me. It happened once many years ago where we met a couple in Newport, RI where we were living at the time they wanted to get together with the point to see about moving forward with an intimate relationship. The female in that couple backed out saying I was too old and not what she expected. I was devastated and that put our swinging hopes on hold for years. I now hope to just be at a resort or on a cruise where we just happen to met the right couple that we hit it off with! As for single men – it is even more difficult – rude and crude scare me! – in person anyway… on-line it is fine!

Show us some love! Send your cumtributes for Candi Annie and Lola Down to me: downloladown@gmail.com

LOLA – What’s next for you?

C.A. – More of those cruises and hope that destiny will show us the swinger way!

LOLA – Where can we see more of you?

C.A. – My main content site is: https://candiannie.com
it is forwarded to sheer currently: https://www.sheer.com/Candi-Annie
most free content: https://www.xvideos.com/candi_annie_official
latest videos and custom work: https://www.manyvids.com/Profile/437396/candi-annie/Store/Videos
always some here: https://xhamster.com/users/newbiecpl4u
others would be newbienudes and adultism plus…

social sites:
Twitter “X” – https://x.com/anniecandi73578?lang=en
Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/candiannie.bsky.social
Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/user/newbiecpl4u/?rdt=48390
MeWe: https://mewe.com/candiannie.27/posts
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557639365527
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/candi_annie69/

If you want Candi Annie to keep doing what she’s doing into her 70’s, support her content!

Thanks so much Candi!!!!

Bye for now Candi Annie

Interview with Grey Desire

Posted on February 28, 2025 by Lola Down

GREY DESIRE – “I put the ‘hole’ in ‘wholesome'”

If you don’t already know Grey Desire, then you should and here’s your chance. I’m sure you’ll be as big a fan as I am after this interview.

Grey Desire

LOLA – First, let me say, I cannot believe I’m interviewing you! You! Grey Desire! Blushing. OK, I just have to get over being star-struck. I originally found you because you had a very low-budget, homemade movie of you doing about a half hour of yoga poses for beginners. It looked like you filmed it in your bedroom. Oh, and you were naked. It was my regular warm-up for yoga video. It was a great way to start the day (and also to get off to you after). But, tell us, how did you get started both with yoga and with making videos of you doing yoga nude.

G.D. – I appreciate all of the excitement very much! I absolutely love when people find me through my nude yoga content. While all of my content is based on concepts I enjoy doing, the yoga content feels the most “me” out of everything! I was a cheerleader throughout my schooling but once that was over, I needed to find a new method for fitness, yoga seemed to be something I could transition to smoothly. Now, I have been doing a regular yoga practice for the last 10 years! The nude yoga content felt very natural to begin, I started it quite early in my porn creation career. I enjoy the eroticism that comes with doing normal, day-to-day tasks in the nude and I find yoga clothing to be restrictive… from there, things just fell into place!

Are you ready to get in shape with Grey Desire?

LOLA – You’re pregnant now – seven months? – and you had one child already. You produce and post nearly daily videos of you doing yoga and other things while pregnant. A lot of women who become pregnant also become self-conscious of the changes in their body, shape, and weight gain. But your work is totally body-positive. Can you say a bit about your head-space while being pregnant?

G.D. – Yes! I just hit the eight month mark with my second pregnancy this weekend! It is truly so hard to simply exist as a person in the world with the pressures of weight, diet culture and the results of body-shaming. I struggled with a lot of anorexia and bulimia in my cheerleading days and still have to fight off bad tendencies these days. Outside of pregnancy, I often try to gain weight and as soon as it starts to happen, the internal voices come in to tell me I should lose it. But with pregnancy, not only is it a given that you will gain weight but it is recommended! It is so much easier for me to silence the internal voices when I feel the weight I gain is benefiting the little life inside. Pregnancy, and the weight that comes with it, helps me feel like my truest self! The hard part for me is postpartum when the world tells people to “bounce back” and my real goal is to keep the weight.

Preggo Grey Desire

LOLA – Most of your work is of you alone, but occasionally you appear with a man and sometimes with various women. Can you tell us about what turns you on, gets you off, and when and how you discovered this?

G.D. – My porn originally started as all boy/girl content with my long-term partner. I had so much fun doing it that I just took it all over and basically kicked him out until I needed him again as a stunt cock 😉 Creating content has really helped me discover my turn ons, kinks and interests. It even helped me learn that I’m into women too! Having the freedom and encouragement to explore really let my previously repressed self let loose. As for what those specific kinks are, some of my favorites are just about anything anal, using household objects or foods as toys, stretching and stuffing my holes to the limit and making a mess with bodily fluids!

Grey with Jojo Delow

LOLA – Are you married or dating? If so, how does your partner handle your internet presence?

G.D. – I am married to a man and also open to dating women! As I mentioned previously, porn creation was something we did together to begin with so he is in full support of what I do. We certainly have boundaries and we maintain open communication throughout to make sure both parties are feeling respected, considering the nature of what I do. Truly, the only aspect he struggles with in regard to my internet presence is the inevitable appearance of “trolls.” I am sure it’s difficult to see a loved one dealing with the effects of the internet. Fortunately, he has been a great resource in helping me discover and strengthen my confidence to not let them get to me.

Grey Desire

LOLA – Who are your heroes, role models, and inspirations and why?

NoFaceGirl

G.D. – As a faceless creator, some of my immediate inspirations were NoFaceGirl and LeoLulu. Both incredibly talented creators I look up to daily. As I have developed my own style and begun my camming career, I tend to lean more towards full-face models and cam girls for inspiration. Lydia Love, Mary Moody and Cubbi Thompson have been huge role models in the cam world, two of which I have had the pleasure of working with so far! In the video creation realm, I look up to so many! The creativity Elly Clutch brings to her content, the glamour and quality Jewelz Blu provides in her content and the eager, fun and sexual energy Catherine Knight & Dainty Wilder add to their content – all commendable aspects to admire and learn from!

LeoLulu

LeoLulu

LeoLulu

Lydia Love and Grey Desire doing some stretching together

Mary Moody

Mary Moody

Mary Moody

Mary Moody

Mary Moody

Cubbi Thompson at the sauna with friends

Cubbi Thompson and a young friend

Elly Clutch in the Crotch

Jewlez Blu in the dorm

Jewlez Blue coed

Jewelz Blu

Jewelz Blu BDSM

Jewlez Blu extra curricular

Jewelz Blue and friends reading mysexlifewithlola blog

Catherine Knight

Dainty Wilder

Dainty Wilder taken from behind

LOLA – Favorite books, movies, TV shows, porn stars?

G.D. – I wish I had more free time to devote to these but being a full-time MILF does take a lot of time! When I do get the chance to read, I enjoy a lot of Buddhism inspired books, particularly by author Thich Nhat Hanh. Mindfulness and meditation are important aspects in my life. I also have been wanting to dive more into erotic reading and at the top of my list is Match, Cinder & Spark by H.H. Perhaps my first activity once I am out of the newborn trenches.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Magazine article about Lola Yoga

LOLA – You won XBIZ MILF Streamer of the Year 2024. Tell us how that happened and what that was like?

G.D. – I still do not know how that happened to be honest. I am so incredibly honored and grateful to the people who vote for and support me. The entire experience was incredibly surreal. It truly feels like a massive achievement, especially as a faceless creator. It feels like my efforts in porn creation are being recognized, but most importantly, it feels like the supporters/fans/friends I have made along the way are actually in my corner. The connections I have been able to develop through this line of work are incredible. I am so grateful for the chance to get to know such amazing people and to have their support!

LOLA – In addition to a great body and cute face, you have the most adorable speaking voice. Ever think about doing ASMR?

G.D. – I get this question and request so often! I have made two incredibly amateur ASMR videos in my career so far. I enjoyed dipping my toes into that realm and would really enjoy being able to explore more. Right now, my efforts are primarily focused on pregnancy content as that phase is so short. Then we’ll have a new bodily fluid to enjoy for a time. Once I am finished with this very niche time in my career, I do hope to branch out further into more kinks and interests, including ASMR content!

LOLA – What is your relationship with your viewers/fans? Are they respectful? Do you find that you make content based upon their requests? And how do you feel about the various kinks that you do – pee, pee enemas, gaping, lactation, odd insertions, queef, etc.? You’ve come a long way from that first yoga video.

G.D. – I truly feel so much love for my supporters! I have yet to find a word for them that seems accurate, they are much more than supporters, “friends” seems to be a more fitting term. Being able to openly share kinks and the innermost parts of your personality really creates an intimate, close bond. I would say the vast majority are respectful, there are certainly those who are not but that’s what the block button is for 😉 If anything, I struggle more with creating too strong of a connection and being essentially heartbroken when subscriptions inevitably end or lives move in different directions.

All of my public content is related to themes I personally enjoy, and yes, that includes the pee enemas (they’re my fav!). I also offer custom content options that dive more specifically into an individual’s kinks. With those, I branch out of my interests and often cater to things I did not even know existed! It is so fun to explore new things. Sometimes they lead to me developing new kinks and other times, it’s just a fun role to play.

LOLA – Plans for the future?

G.D. – Well, I plan to be doing this for a long while. When people ask how long, I often say I’ll be here creating porn until they think I’m too old and gross to continue, and then maybe five more years after that 😉 I have ambitions of maintaining my streak of creating new videos every week (5 years running), reaching certain follower milestones on various sites, being nominated for and perhaps even winning more awards and most importantly, continuing to create a positive and healthy porn experience for my viewers in as many ways as I can!

If you want to find more of me and my content, visit my website greydesire.com

LOLA – Thank you so much! This has been a great opportunity to learn more about you.

[After our interview, I sent Grey Desire a free copy of Match, Cinder & Spark on audiobook so she could listen while breastfeeding.]

Totally Taboo: Interview with Hani Miletski

Posted on August 4, 2024 by Lola Down

WARNING! THIS POST MAY NOT BE FOR YOU. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, JUST IGNORE IT.

But, it may also be educational for you.

Statue of “Lola Takes a Lover” surrounded by art of Lola on the Left and Right, and MILF Meri, center.

Totally Taboo

For all you devoted readers of MySexLifeWithLola, you are probably aware that some of our posts are on the more risqué side of sex blogging. Various of our friends – MILF Meri, Lilly, and even Lo and her sister Robie – engage in sexual practices that are not to everyone’s taste. We have heard from a lot of you and, for those of you who love these relationships and those of you struggling, we bring you this insightful interview with the pioneer researcher and therapist of some of the most ticklish taboos: bestiality and incest. Consider this your trigger warning.

Taboos – Popular, Hidden, and Unthinkable – and Interview with Hani Miletski:

In her groundbreaking work on Mother-Son incest, Hani Miletski says about her study that it “provides arguments to support the assumption that the apparent rarity of mother-son incest has more to do with society’s inhibitions and inability to accept the fact that this form of incest exists than with the actual taboo’s strength. It is as though the taboo is about preventing the belief that mother-son incest exists rather than about preventing it from actually happening.” Over a hundred years since Freud’s famous “Seduction Theory” shocked the Victorian Age by suggesting that incestuous relationships (mostly involving minors and abuse) happened far more frequently than anyone suspected or was willing to admit, society is still unwilling to admit one form of incest – that involving a desiring mother.

Match, Cinder & Spark on Audible dot Com

Mom & Daughter have “the talk.”

Mom & Daughter

In addition to Miletski’s work, there is also the fine scholarship done in 1992 by Beverly Ann Ogilvie who wrote The Experience of Mother-Daughter Incest, and one earlier work, from 1987, by Karen Louise Kenney, who wrote, Maternal Incest: An Annotated Review of the Literature on Mother-Daughter and Mother-Son Incest.

Desiring Moms

Crime & Punishment

Taking the taboos of society one step further, there is the radical study by Miletski, Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia, in which she engages in primary research with 26 men and 6 women, all of whom engaged in some degree of bestiality and/or zoophilia. The research was undertaken to understand these people and how they understand themselves.

MILF Meri and son

If you’re interested in this work, then you will want to read this brief interview with Miletski.

You really tackle the most difficult, taboo, and even repressed topics – Mother-Son incest and bestiality. Why? What originally got you interested in these topics?

I like to research topics that I don’t know much about. It makes any research project much more interesting.

Mother-Son Incest started as my master’s thesis. I was doing my MSW at Catholic University in DC, and I knew I will be pursuing my certification in sex therapy as soon as I graduate. So, I wanted my thesis to be about some topic related to sexuality. But, being at a Catholic university, I couldn’t write about orgasms or erectile dysfunctions, for example, so I chose to write about sexual abuse. My advisor wanted me to be more specific, so I chose incest. That was not specific enough for my advisor, so I chose mother-son incest because I had never heard of it at that time, and I was thinking that my thesis will end up being about why mother-son incest never happens, until I started researching it…

Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia started as my doctorate dissertation. At that time, I was already working as a sex therapist, and one of my clients was into sex with dogs. I had already started researching the topic because I didn’t know what to do with her, so when it came time to choose a topic for my dissertation, that was an obvious choice, as there was really nothing out there about people who cannot stop thinking of, and wanting to, and having sex with animals.

Lola and Woman’s Best Friend

What was your approach with that patient who was into sex with dogs then and how would it be different after you did your research?

My approach has not changed. I believe the most important thing as a therapist is to be non-judgmental, open-minded, empathic, curious, attentive, and supportive. The answers to any questions/problems come from working together with the client, as a team, as we explore various possibilities until we find the best solution. In my client’s case, she felt extreme shame about her behavior, and she wanted to stop having sex with dogs, but could not. I helped her realize and accept that this was a sexual orientation that she, obviously, did not choose for herself. I helped her realize and accept that she was not doing any harm to the dogs (she only had sex with male dogs – they were penetrating her). And I helped her learn how to be careful so she doesn’t get caught.

Movie Poster from a mainstream movie about bestiality

You mentioned that you had been turned down by at least ten publishers. Did you find it difficult to get your work peer reviewed and published? What sorts of obstacles did you face? What did publishers or even your colleagues say about your work?

I tried to get the book Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia published, but no publisher wanted to touch this subject. They simply told me that this is not a topic they were interested in, so I ended up self-publishing the book and I have not tried to get it published by a publishing house anymore. This was 22 years ago.

My colleagues were against my writing my dissertation about this topic, let alone publishing it. They thought it would pigeon-hole me and it would make potential future clients shy away from seeking my help. I obviously did not listen to them. There were probably people over the years who did not contact me for this reason, but the people who did always told me that they felt comfortable telling me all their hidden secrets because if I could deal with bestiality, I could probably deal with everything else.

Art by Pulpbrother

In Understanding Bestiality and Zoophilia, you explicitly open up the question as to bestials or zoophiles being a “sexual orientation.” But you don’t ever take that approach with the mother-son study. Do you think that there is a certain contingent of women out there who are only attracted to either their children (sons, daughters), or to young people? In the wake of every sensational news story about women who seduce minors, especially if the perpetrator is attractive, like Debra Lafave, people always ask, “Why would she do that if she could get anyone she wanted because she’s so beautiful/sexy?” But they don’t seem to understand that it’s not merely about getting physical sexual needs met. What do you think?

Debra Lavave and Ex-Husband, Owen Lafave

Debra Lafave

Debra Lafave

Not Debra Lafave, but purported to be.

Tampa, the Novel inspired by Debra Lafave

I believe there are women who are sexually oriented toward minors, just like some men are. I honestly never thought about a sexual orientation toward one’s own children, but I guess anything is possible.

Have you read the book Tampa? If so, what are your thoughts?

I have not read this book, but just from the write up about it, it looks like a similar story to the Mary Kay Letourneau scandal, in the early 90s.

When you published Mother-Son Incest in 1995, were you aware of or had you read Beverly Ann Ogilvie’s 1992 study, The Experience of Mother-Daughter Incest? If you’re familiar with it, what similarities and differences do you find in the two taboo relationships?

Mom & Daughter Tease

Unfortunately, I have not been aware of this study. I was aware of Rosencrans’ (1997) study of 93 daughters and nine sons who had been sexually abused by their mothers. Nine men heard about her study and asked to participate in it. She ended up adding a chapter in her book (The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by Mothers) about these nine men. Although all nine men admitted to having had incestuous relationships with their mothers, 89 percent of the sons (eight men) believed they had a normal childhood, compared to only two percent of the 93 daughters. All nine men felt they were their mothers’ lovers and did not perceive themselves as victims.

Mom & Daughter

When you did your study on bestials and zoos, you mention a few times about how new the internet is and how new you were to it. Since then, the internet has developed quite a bit. Have you seen what people are posting now depicting bestiality? What are your thoughts?

Knotty Fairy getting off to Lola

Last I checked, it’s all about pornography. All the online groups/listservs/websites/etc. that used to be around when I was doing my study, they all disappeared. The ones that came after, came and went. They always face threats from outsiders and sometimes even from within the community. It’s a shame.

Fan pic, getting off to Lo

Fan pic, getting off to Lola

Fan Photo Getting off to Lola

Fan Photo, Getting Off to Lo

Fan Photo, Getting off to Lo

Fan Photo, Getting off to Lo

Desiring women have become more prevalent in popular culture, whether we’re talking Frankie Shaw’s character in MILF, Mary-Louise Parker’s character in Weeds, Zooey Deschanel’s character in The New Girl, or Y tu mamá también. All these popular shows include the desirous dimension of women in ways that were taboo not long ago. Do you think that, as a culture, America is ready to explore the famous “dark continent” of women’s sexuality, as Freud called it?

Marie-Louise Parker

Frankie Shaw of SMILF

Frankie Shaw, SMILF scene

SMILF with Frankie Shaw Look Carefully and you’ll see what gets Frankie Shaw off.

Zooey Deschanel

I think this question is too theoretical. I think the U.S. has come a long way regarding the acceptance of women’s sexuality, but the U.S. is very large, with a huge population, many various cultures, and countless opinions, so I would not attempt to make such a guess.

Art Appreciation 101 – The Minotaur

Both bestiality and mother-son incest are among the more prevalent themes in Greco-Roman mythology. How do you account for that?

Meri and son – very Oedipal

They are among the most taboo in practically every culture. The more something is taboo, the more curious people are about it. It’s human nature. And, by the way, these two themes are also among the most popular pornographic themes and the most visited sites.

One of the most obvious, yet least discussed, images of mother-son incest is in the depiction of Venus and Cupid/Aphrodite and Eros. They are considered mother and son and often depicted in sexually suggestive poses. Given that these are the mythical origins of sexual desire, do you think there is something deep in our psyche that ties sexuality with this primary relationship?

There probably is something deep in our psyche that ties sexuality with this primary relationship. I talk about it in my book.

From the Bible – Lot and His Daughters

Sisters – Lo and Robie

What about mother-daughter incest? Though you call mother-son incest “the unthinkable broken taboo,” wouldn’t mother-daughter incest, since it is almost never depicted (in myth, legend, art, or psychological studies), be even more “unthinkable” for that very reason?

Very possible. In my book/thesis I was focusing on mother-son incest, but that does not mean that mother-daughter incest is not, or maybe even more, unthinkable.

MILF Meri

Still Crazy After All These Years!

Posted on February 8, 2024 by Lola Down

You might think that the title of this post is referring to HH and me, your beautiful blog bunny, Lola. Well, it’s not. It’s referring to an inspiring older couple, Mr. and Mrs. E, who have a Just For Fans site that is just amazing!

Mr. E is a talented artist, and his talent shows in his photography. Mrs. E is his muse and a beautiful model. Together they are a couple that other kinky couples can admire and hope to inspire.

The Mrs. is a fan of Match, Cinder & Spark!

Here’s my interview with them:

Q: I went through your whole Just For Fans. It looks like you started back in late 2019, but you migrated there from Tumblr. When did you two start with the erotic photography?

A: Mr E: I wanted to show her, how erotic and sexy she was/is… so we played around just for us. Watching the pictures on big TV-screen and having fun.

Mrs E: Very often the shoots lead to passionate fucking sessions.

Mr E.: Around 2015 I discovered tumblr. – that was great, you could post uncensored, had great style, nice Archive. Perfect – We had 85K Followers, when the tumblr purge started. They deleted our blog – with 12K pictures…

Mrs E: He was devastated… we were devastated… than MeWe came along, they also deleted some blogs…

Mr E: Then I was looking for a safe haven… where we could keep the nerds and idiots out. The money (it’s only 1/10 of what we (mostly me !) spend on lingerie…) – One platform we like, but lately problems with the followers counter, is X formerly Twitter…

Mrs E: I love to see the posts on the big TV-screen, also after every shooting…

Q: I was going to say, it looks like you spend a lot on lingerie! Was it a fetish for both of you, or did you both grow into it? Does Mr E ever like to wear the lingerie? (BTW, that’s a BIG turn-on for me – men in panties and nylons, etc.)

A: Mrs E: I always loved lingerie, but Mr E really got me into it…

Mr E: I was always a big fan of stockings and garters and nylons, and for the shoots I was looking for nice stuff… from every business trip she got some pieces…

Q: I see that Gunter Blum and Roy Stuart are featured in some of your photos. Are they big influences on either of you? Who else is an influence in the photos you take?

A: Mr E – Artistic and aesthetically a lot of artists had an influence on me… photographer: beside the ones you mentioned, are H. Newton, Araki, Knoll and others…

Mrs E: I loved it when he brought the newest LEG SHOW issue home…. great inspiration…

Q: For Mrs E: I see in some of the photos images of you apparently getting off to other photos of sexy, scantily clad or naked women. Are you into women? More generally, what are your kinks and do you have sex with anyone besides or in addition to Mr.?

I think she’s into Lola Down

A: Mrs E: I have a lot of close female friends, love to look at sexy women, but I’m not into women. We had some experiences with other couples (not really satisfying) and few MMF – one was fine, but from far away… He loves to fantasize about us with another man…

Q: Well, I will admit, I wish it was my photos all over the wall in this beautiful picture! (wallpaper)

A: Mr E: that’s a funny crazy story: coming home from a business, she surprised me with a Paperwall (between a door) covered with this porn collage. It was a Lucky Hole!!!!

Q: Do either of you care to share how it came about and what inspired it? (Squid photo)

A: Mrs E: Mr E loves to cook! Holidays on a Island with a great population of these delicious animals made us fantasize… btw. it was delicate cooked… lol –

Q: Tell me, what are your hopes, dreams, plans for the future with regard to the erotic photography? Do you think you’ll make a book of it?

A: Mr E: We don’t plan to much, as long as we love what we do, we carry on… and yes a book is one of our opportunities… or NFT… but all is vague…

Q: I see in one of the photos, she’s reading “Talk Dirty to Me.” What sort of erotica do you two (or each of you) enjoy? What sort of porn? Do you like to masturbate together or alone or both?

Favorite Erotica? Match, Cinder & Spark

A: Mrs E – I read everything from classic erotic literature to pornographic texts. But I like it best when he reads to me, his dark erotic voice turns me on… I like looking at other women, old Leg Show magazines or artistic pornography. That’s why our favorite go-to erotica has been your Match, Cinder & Spark books! Every now and then we watch porn together, sometimes just as a silent background wallpaper.

Mr E: I am well-educated in pornography. LOL – I’ve always been interested in the history of pornography. As a media person, I’m a porn gourmet, even if I enjoy home cooking now and then. I read a lot, including theoretical writings on pornography, so it was obvious to try to create aesthetic pornography yourself.

Lola: Thank you both for this interview – it was such a turn-on to talk with you and to learn from you!!! We both wish you two the best with your erotic adventures!

Go check out Mr. and Mrs. E at stillcrazyafteralltheseyears on Just For Fans!

Interview With Sex Surrogate Joslyn Nerdhal

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Lola Down

Interview With Sex Surrogate Joslyn Nerdahl

Joslyn Nerdhal

LOLA – Hi Joslyn, it’s an honor to interview you for our blog! To be honest, I had never heard of a sex surrogate or even programs to assist people living with disabilities to have sex until one of the fans of the blog wrote to me. He told us about his condition – he had been injured in an accident that left him paralyzed from the chest down. His accident was over two decades ago and he had to suffer terribly, especially when female aid workers came over to assist him with all sorts of things – showering, getting dressed, etc. – and they’d see him naked, but never the other way around. He found many of them quite attractive. And then one day, a home health aid who had been with him for many years made advances that were probably grossly inappropriate, but were also most welcome by him. After that, he did more research on it and discovered the interview you did with Vice and your work with Spencer Williams. He sent the interview to me. I was blown away! The fact that I hadn’t been aware of this issue – and I consider myself pretty well-versed in all things sex – shows how invisible this is for to the general public. The fact that his home health aid had to resort to something she could get fired for but which he desperately wanted and needed also shows how our system is broken and in need of repair. Will you tell us a bit of how you got into this field and what you do?

Joslyn Nerdhal

J.N. – Thank you Lola, I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this very important topic with you. I get asked about how I got into this field of sexuality a lot, even as a Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist in my private coaching practice people ask me all the time “How did you get into this?!” LOL!

I started out as a typical sex worker years ago, doing erotic massage and adult entertainment to pay the bills. Eventually I got engaged to be married and tried to transition out of the sex work industry for the sake of my relationship; it was during this time I started my private sex coaching practice, and it was also when I found Sensual Solutions – the agency for folks with physical disabilities – and I met with Trish St. John (owner/founder) to see if working together would be a good fit. We had a meeting that was supposed to be 30 mins…3 hours later we were still talking! Needless to say, we hit it off. But my fiance at the time was not comfortable with me taking the job. Once that relationship deteriorated, Trish was the first call I made and we’ve been working together ever since. Within the same year, I registered for school and eventually completed my sexology degree. I now help folks individually and in couples with their sex lives through private coaching sessions. I also teach sex ed classes to students and speak at conferences and workshops sometimes on sexual diversity, sex and disability and sex work. And sometimes I do still work as a surrogate partner for people with physical disabilities.

Joslyn Nerdhal

LOLA – After I heard from this fan, I actually started getting a lot of fan mail from other people with various kinds of disabilities. One of the most interesting (and saddest) was of a man who was also in an accident and the injury he sustained was directly to his penis. It was shorted and misshapen and he was unable to find a sexual partner who would be ok with this. He also suffered terrible anxiety about it that resulted in erectile disfunction. He told me that he was only able to get erect through virtual conversations and cybersex. Have you encountered anything like this and would this be in your scope of services?

J.N. – Absolutely, erectile challenges are extremely common, even with folks who haven’t been injured in an accident. The mental anxiety people experience – both men and women – when they’ve got negative self-talk, body image concerns, body dysmorphia and/or a lack of confidence can result in paralyzing fear that does manifest in physical consequences…like the inability to maintain an erection, or to self-lubricate or to even relax enough to get aroused, let alone reach climax. The study of sexology is not just the study of human sexual behaviour but also how we think and feel about it; it is commonly stated that our most important sex organ is the brain.

Valentina Bianco

Valentina Bianco

LOLA – One of my fans turned me on to pornoeducativo.com and the video with Valentina Bianco. https://befuck.net/xid/21240957/ I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but is that educational or porn? I mean, is that similar to what you and other sex surrogates do or a wild exaggeration?

Vanlentia Bianco

J.N. – I have never seen a video like this before, I was waiting for it to turn into a porn, considering the site it is on, but all they did was talk and snuggle for 23 mins lol…so yeah, that I’d say that is pretty realistic because a lot of discussion is needed for these interactions. I wouldn’t necessarily call it educational either though, since we can’t hear anything they’re saying. It would’ve been nice to hear some of the negotiations or topics they were discussing.

Valentina Bianco

Valentina Bianco

LOLA – Which brings me to the subject of fetishes. Ever since my friend directed my attention to the sexual needs of people with disabilities, I’ve become increasingly more aware of a sub-category of kink which is sex involving people with all sorts of disabilities. Now, you’re very sex-positive, but do you think this is dangerous or harmful in any way or do you think it is helpful to get people to realize that we all like, even love, sex?

J.N. – I think it can be dangerous to fetishize anyone, not just people with disabilities, but trans folks, plus sized people, different ethnicities, et cetera… because if that is all you’re appreciating about a person you’re reducing them to a 2-dimensional being and it is very dehumanizing. There is definitely a fine line between having a healthy kink-preference and fetishizing folks.

And how you can tell the difference is whether or not that person’s interest in you extends beyond the bedroom into other facets of your life as well…not just sexually; caring about your hopes and dreams and struggles and hobbies and interests, not just about orgasms.

LOLA – From what I’ve learned in other interviews and news stories about you, it seems that some of your clients are long-term. If you can, will you tell us what it’s like to have a long-term client who might engage in what Freud called “transference” – the projecting onto you feelings that the client has? I imagine a long-term client is very different from a one-off.

J.N. – Yes, transference can definitely take place and that is why typically in the surrogate partner scenario (especially in the U.S.) there is also a licensed therapist involved supporting the client to work through those complicated emotions; ideally there is a set number of sessions you agree to in order to work through a self-identified goal or concern, knowing there is an end date. There have been instances where my working relationship had to end with a client because the connection with me became problematic for them rather than helped them, but it is rare. Ultimately, if I’m doing my job correctly of course, there will be some level of attachment. It is to be expected when you’re handling intimacy.

LOLA – I don’t know anything of your personal life (and you don’t have to reveal anything here), but I wonder what it’s like to be in a romantic relationship at home and then be like, “I’ll see you later, hun, I’m off to work,” when work is literally helping people to cum. Does it make for any complications or unusual strains on the relationship?

J.N. – I have encountered both ends of the spectrum with my personal romantic partnerships; I’ve had partners like my ex-fiance who were not comfortable at all with me touching other people, even in a professional capacity, (despite learning later he wasn’t faithful himself!) and so it caused problems in the relationship…and I’ve also dated very mature and self-realized partners who weren’t threatened by my professional life at all because they understand how it helps people rather than hurts people and that it is still work for me and it is not the same as what I do in my personal life. I have strong boundaries and safer sex standards that keep what I do at work very separate from what I do at home with my personal partners. I have been told more than once that my experience itself is intimidating, and that’s ok because if you’re intimidated by me, you probably can’t satisfy me in bed anyway!

I also have zero tolerance for whoreaphobia now; if you don’t or can’t respect sex workers then I have no use for you anyhow.

LOLA – Can you give a description of what sorts of techniques you would use during a surrogate session? I mean, does it only involve hands or could it also involve feet, full nudity, oral, and/or more?

J.N. – Every session is different, because every client is different and dealing with a varied level of experience, injury and or sensation. I often do body mapping with clients which is a process of going through a checklist of different types of touch on different areas of the body (*hint* NOT just genitals can be erogenous zones!) and they can range from sensual to educational to erotic…sometimes sessions are more educational in nature because it’s the first time seeing a live naked body, or learning about anatomy or safer sex practices or how to use different toys. Sometimes companionship and compassionate touching is more necessary than orgasms because cuddling isn’t available to them. Sometimes I help 2 partners learn how to be intimate with each other and I’m more of a guide and support for them. No two sessions are alike.

LOLA – Do you ever just read to your clients? If so, would you be interested in a free copy of Match, Cinder & Spark to read to them?

Sure that would be great! I’d love a free copy.

To find out more about Josyln Nerdhal and what she does, check out:

Josyln Nerdhal’s website is mojomediator.com and people can find her on IG and Twitter at MojoMediator.

Also check out her Sensual Solutions website:

http://www.sensualsolutions.ca/

Match, Cinder & Spark, Review by Jen Coulter

Erica Garza Exposes Herself

Posted on December 24, 2022 by Lola Down

Lola and Erica Garza’s Getting Off

We are incredibly pleased to share with you all Lola’s exclusive interview with the writer and sex-positive advocate, Erica Garza!

In case you don’t know, Erica Garza is the author of a beautiful memoir, published in 2018, about her struggle with shame, sex, and self-pleasure/self-punishment: Getting Off: One Woman’s Journey Through Sex and Porn Addiction. I had heard about it and immediately recognized a soul-sister and got the book. I read it cover-to-cover in one night – a night punctuated by masturbatory intermissions. HH found it hidden in the closet (how appropriate) one day and that turned into a little story he wrote about our trip to a wedding.

Other people found our blog through Erica and Erica through our blog. Erica and I struck up a friendship and recently I interviewed her to find out some of the things that left me panting for more after putting the book down.

Erica Garza and her book, Getting Off

L – Your book starts off with the passage: “My favorite porn scene of all time involves two sweaty women, fifty horny men, a warehouse, a harness, a hair dryer, and a taxicab.” You go on to say, no matter how you imagine these elements interacting, “I bet you still can’t imagine just how revolting the scene actually is.” At the end of the book, you are talking to your boyfriend, soon to be husband (spoiler alert!), and he asks you about your favorite porn. You realize that to tell him about this “revolting” scene is dangerous. But telling him was necessary in your journey from sexual shame, guilt, and deception to self-love, acceptance, and honesty. You realize that your greatest fear is “being exposed.” Not as in being naked in front of others, even strangers, but being seen, for who you really are, as a compulsive masturbator who gets off to the revolting. I mention all this because, did you know, that when one does a Google search for “porn, two women, fifty men, warehouse, harness, hair dryer, taxicab,” you pop up as one of the top hits? (After this interview goes live, mysexlifewithlola will probably be the top hit.) Seems like your book was an exercise in “exposing yourself.” How does that make you feel now?

E – You are 100% correct. My book, essays, and interviews are all exercises in exposing myself in the same way as telling my husband about my favorite porn and baring my soul to a room full of addicts at a 12 step meeting. Every time I reveal the things about myself that I used to hate and keep secret, I’m taking the power away from those feelings and transferring that power back to me. Every time I utter a secret aloud and people nod their heads in recognition, I feel less alone, more connected, and more at peace with myself. The things I’m into and the things I’ve done are not so bad, I’ve realized. And that means I’m not so bad either.

L – Your book is dedicated to, “the wankers, the loners, the weirdos, the perverts, the outcasts, the bullied, the flawed, the awkward, the shunned, and the shamed.” Isn’t that all of us at some point in our lives at least?

The author, Erica Garza

E –Totally. I’ve had a lot of different people connect with my story who come from entirely different backgrounds. I’m a 41-year-old Latina from Los Angeles who was raised in a Catholic household, but I’ve been contacted by readers ranging from 12 to 70, men and women, of all different ethnicities, religions, and income brackets. So many of them had the same story: They grew up thinking sex was bad and they hated themselves for enjoying their sexual proclivities in secret. Like me, they were desperate for self-acceptance but didn’t know how to find it. This desperation usually led to destructive and compulsive behaviors and broken relationships. Had we just been taught that there was nothing wrong with us from the start—would that have changed everything? Would we be happier people? I think yes.

L – Throughout the book you mention how you would often bring yourself to orgasm by thinking about “what a miserable slut I am.” Can you explain a bit more how this thought got you off?

E – Shame and pleasure are intricately connected for me. When I first masturbated to orgasm in the bathtub at age 12, I distinctly remember how good it felt and yet how bad I felt once it was over. Nobody had ever talked to me about sex except to say it was something dirty and wrong and so I had this heavy feeling I had discovered something I wasn’t supposed to. And I LOVED it, which made me sick and defective. The only solution to these bad feelings was to go after the pleasure again, reinforcing this intoxicating dichotomy. Later, I would seek out porn that gave me this dose of pleasure and shame, typically scenes of degradation. To be turned on, I had to be turned off, disgusted with myself. This then transferred over to my relationships. I wanted men to make me feel used in bed, demeaned, and then discarded afterward.

L – Your book is fascinating because it’s not only a personal coming-of-age story, but it also tracks the development of on-line porn. You talk about watching porn on VHS with your brother’s girlfriend and sneaking sex chats on-line right in front of your parents, then you chronicle the first porno sites on the internet right up to the proliferation of humiliation, extreme BDSM, and more. It’s like you grew up with porn and the porn industry grew up with you. Your book is also unusual as a memoir because it contains a lot of footnotes to studies and research about the effects of porn and women self-reporting about their use of porn. What is your take on porn’s popularity now and how women in particular use it. I guess, I’m thinking especially of OnlyFans and the many women during the pandemic who found ways of becoming entrepreneurs (or “entrepornors”).

OF Content Creator StrawberryWine @swtlikestrawber

E – I’m here for it. I find OnlyFans to be a fantastic addition to the porn world because it allows women to be in charge of their own content. Sure, we have many more female porn producers/directors, but I think it’s safe to say it’s still a male dominated industry when it comes to who’s operating the camera. I’m excited to see women taking initiative in making porn as long as they’re not merely perpetuating what they think men want. But I’m even more excited about women as viewers. I’m not sure about how many women are turning to OnlyFans for porn, but it would be fascinating data. If more women talked about what we like and what we want and what we’re willing to pay for, the less shame we’ll feel about our desires.

It’s funny you say I grew up with the porn industry and the porn industry grew up with me. It’s so accurate. And while I’m not anti-porn (unless the porn is made without someone’s consent of course), I do worry about what kids have access to when they’re just starting to explore their sexuality. When I was 12 and first started masturbating and looking at porn, I only had access to softcore scenes on Cinemax. They were so mild and still left a lot of room for my imagination. And when I advanced to watching porn online, scenes took so long to load so I couldn’t get caught up in a binge—endlessly searching for a harder, darker, sexier scene than the last. It was too much effort. Now the internet is at a place where a 12 year old could look up “two women, fifty men, a warehouse, a harness, hair dryer, and a taxicab,” or any other hardcore scene. And this is the new mild. Once they get bored with that, they can instantly search for something harder but they haven’t even discovered sex in real life yet. When they do start to explore with someone, their idea of what sex should look or feel like is likely to be distorted. They’ll probably end up performing; instead of naturally discovering what they like or what feels good, their desires will have been finely curated by whatever they had access to. I think this could be really damaging.

Porn Star Shannon Tweed

Dreaming of Shannon Tweed and Lola Down

L – You mention being enamored of such VHS stars as Shannon Tweed, and lusting for Tommy Lee’s long shlong, Pamela Anderson’s tits, and the power Gwyneth Paltrow’s character of Estella had over Finn in Great Expectations. Does anyone come to mind today as either a quick fap fave, a girl-crush, or a role model?

Gwyneth Paltrow

E –Besides you, Lola? 😉 I don’t watch porn much these days (which is so weird to say), but when I do I like Megan Salinas who I’m not sure even performs anymore. I think her videos are a few years old. My girl crushes are always evolving though I just finished watching White Lotus so the Italian actress Simona Tabasco (Lucia) comes to mind. I’m also inspired by Paulina Porizkova who is nearly 60 and so hot and comfortable in her skin without looking plastic.

Scene from White Lotus Season II

L – You say, “In all the movies I’d ever watched, men were the ones who made the first move. Women, it seemed, either played hard to get and were labeled dick-teasing prudes, or they quickly gave in and were called sluts and whores.” This is the old Freudian dichotomy of Virgin/Whore. For a long time, it seemed that either/or was the only choice society or culture presented for women. If you were young, you were either a virgin or a whore. If you were older, you were either matronly or a whore. Women could never be both. What do you think of the movement to reclaim the word “slut” from being a pejorative to a badge of honor?

Megan Salinas

Simona Tabasco

Paulina Porizkova is a dirty girl

Paulina Porizkova wins the solitary mud-wrestling prize

Paulina Porizkova – wash me!

Paulina Porizkova like a fine wine

E –We’re making some progress with more women being open about their sex lives but we still have a long way to go, especially in the U.S. This country is so ridiculously misogynistic. Just scroll through the comments section of any article written about a woman’s love life and the evidence is in plain view.

L – Along those same lines, one thing I’ve encountered, even with my man, HH, is people saying, “Wow, you have the libido of a man.” Isn’t that also a double-standard? I mean, men who do or did the things you did are just “guys being guys,” but a woman doing it is somehow labeled with a disorder and many of them feel guilt and shame about it. But if you were a man, would you feel that sort of shame or guilt?

E –The only solution to this is for more women to speak up. But to speak about what you want and need sexually requires self-awareness. If you’ve been taught that sex is shameful, it’s possible you ended up in a cycle of repression. You don’t even know what you like anymore and if you do, you’re keeping that to yourself. The more honest and comfortable women are about their sexuality, the more we’ll see that men and women are more alike than we think.

L – I love when you talk about the power that Gwyneth Paltrow had over Finn. Do you think that writing your book was a way of reclaiming your feminine sexual power?

Female Sexual Power

E – Absolutely. When I first suspected I had an addiction to sex and porn, I thought I had to put myself in a box to be “recovered.” I would never watch porn again, I’d go to 12 step meetings, I’d only be in a monogamous relationship. But that quickly started to feel inauthentic. It felt like an extension of my early childhood shame, like I was desperate to stop doing things that felt good. I realized that the driving force of my addiction all along was that shame. That’s when I started to explore how I could be a sexually open-minded, experimental person and not feel bad about it. This entailed not lying to myself and not lying to others, being open in my communication, and ultimately not thriving on destruction. Realizing I could be sexual without shame was an empowering revelation.

L – You talk about the sexy and nude photos and homemade porno movies you made with different boyfriends and the fear you have of those ever resurfacing. Has that happened? I mean, after the success and popularity of the book, one of your exes must have heard about it and read about you. Did any of them come forward, either privately or publicly, with “naughty” goods?

E – Surprisingly, no! And I didn’t even use a pen name. I also expected past lovers to reach out and comment on the book, ESPECIALLY if I wrote explicitly about them! But it never happened. No videos have ever resurfaced (yet!) though I would be curious to see that younger version of myself tbh.

L – You say that your “preferences were changing all the time. I loved ‘old and young’ clips. I’d also taken a liking to watching drunken girls get walked around on leashes at parties or get fucked by groups of men while seemingly unconscious. I’d discovered the category ‘bukkake’ and felt simultaneously disgusted and excited every time I watched multiple men come all over a girl’s face before urging her to lick up the drips that had fallen on the carpet beneath her. I didn’t consider any of this normal.” It wouldn’t exist if people didn’t watch it. I mean, what is normal anyway?

E – Who knows. That line of thinking came from a place of deep shame and self-disgust and judgement. I felt so isolated and broken in this shame and couldn’t imagine anyone else would understand. But, like I said, if more women spoke up about what they liked and what they’re into, the less alone people like me would feel.

L – I love the passage where you combine what you learned meditating with your active imagination. You say, “Suddenly I was the girl on the shore of that river I’d imagined in meditation. I watched a boat come by with a skinny blond college girl spread-eagle on its main deck getting fucked by a whole fraternity. And then another boat where a girl on a leash was held facedown by a man’s boot while another man fucked her from behind. Each time I came, I returned to my breath.” When you’re done, you admit to yourself that you’re “out of control.” For people wondering, how would you characterize unhealthy from healthy masturbatory practices or porn viewing?

Role Models

E –That’s not up to me to say. Each person’s experience is different. For me, feeling incapable of stopping seemed to be a clue. Even when I felt sore or numb. Finding that I’d wasted hours trying to find the perfect clip, especially if it meant neglecting other plans or responsibilities was another. Failing to nurture real relationships or friendships in pursuit of another orgasm also seemed problematic.

L – At one point you talk about a guy you were with and how when you ran out of things to talk about or it got awkward, you reached for “what I’d always reached for to help me with the awkwardness. I initiated sex whenever I felt things getting weird. I was tireless with blow jobs, encouraging him to come on my face, begging him to slap me, to fuck me harder, to hurt me, to do whatever he wanted, playing the role of the perfect, pleasing porn girl.” Do you think that your exposure to hard-core porn led you to believe that this was what men wanted, or was it a thrill and a turn-on to play this role? I mean, so much in life is role playing, including sex and it can be fun. And sometimes it can be difficult to disentangle where your own desire ends and trying to meet the desire of someone else begins. Or maybe there is no clear distinction.

E –I think it’s all about balance. If your fetish is that you’re into degradation, rough sex, humiliation, role play, then why not? You do what feels good, but then at some point you leave the bedroom and life goes on. For me, that degradation leaked out of the bedroom and into real life. I didn’t just expect a guy to make me feel used and demeaned in bed as roleplay, I also expected him to ignore my calls, say abusive things, and lie to me afterward. I did not feel worthy of love and respect, so when someone tried to give those things to me I’d run away and destroy the relationship. But I desperately wanted love and respect. I felt lonely and isolated and the only company I could keep was sexual company. What was friendship? What was intimacy? What was connection? I wanted to know these things but had no idea how.

L – Was there anything that you had originally written for the book that the editor or publisher asked you to remove?

E – The footnotes were originally integrated into the text, but they were found to be distracting. They were almost cut out completely but I really wanted to keep them in. The research proved that what I was going through (and what my reader might be going through) was way more common than most people think. So many of our struggles are universal, yet we feel so alone much of the time. I hoped that the research would show readers they’re not simply “fucked up,” but that there’s likely a scientific explanation behind their feelings and actions.

L – As I mentioned, your memoir is intertwined with the historical development of internet porn. One of the positive things I see about that development is that a lot of people, especially women, trans folk, and others have been able to connect with communities out there and realize that they’re not alone, not the “the wankers, the loners, the weirdos, the perverts, the outcasts, the bullied, the flawed, the awkward, the shunned, and the shamed” to whom you dedicated the book, but that they are part of humanity in all its beautifully multifarious forms. HH, because he’s older, frequently tells me that so much of what is normal human activity was totally in the closet when he was younger, especially female masturbation. One thing that the internet porn might have influenced is the normalization of women pleasuring themselves. I mean, once upon a time you never saw it, but it’s now part of so many popular shows and movies – Sex & the City, Seinfeld, Weeds, Fleabag, SMILF, New Girl, The Shape of Water, Sex Education, Broad City, just to name a few. Women are sexual beings. We can be students, moms, daughters, sisters, wives, bosses, and also get off without going to Hell. Do you think that girls growing up today are exposed to a healthier view of women’s sexuality than when you grew up?

SMILF with Frankie Shaw Look Carefully and you’ll see what gets Frankie Shaw off.

SMILF

Frankie Shaw asks, “Do you like my poster of Lola Down?”

Frankie Shaw in SMILF in a scene where she gets off to Lola Down

E – Yes, our entertainment has become more inclusive and I love seeing these realistic, multi-dimensional folks be represented. But let’s not forget that Roe v. Wade just got overturned, which has everything to do with female sexuality and bodily autonomy. Sexism still exists because the wage gap still exists, because doctors still gaslight women, because we still haven’t elected a female president…and so forth. These things may seem unrelated to women masturbating, but the personal is political. It always has been. Female pleasure is powerful and people are afraid of this power. Women and lots of marginalized folks are still socialized to believe our pleasure doesn’t matter. And d this has huge implications. I’m so inspired by pleasure activism, specifically the work by author adrienne maree brown who ways capitalism creates a “false scarcity” of pleasurable experiences for the marginalized. We’re taught that “our health, our votes, our work, our safety, our families, our lives don’t matter – not as much as those of white men.” Simply put, being denied pleasure makes us easier to control. So, yes, I get excited when I see female characters on our TV set pursuing personal pleasure just as male characters always have, but I won’t be satisfied until I see those larger equalities at play in other aspects of our lives.

L – Toward the end of the book, after you met the man who would become your husband, and after you began writing publicly about your struggles and began being honest with him and yourself about your past, you begin to find some balance or at least a temporary truce with your inner demons, for lack of a better description. If I’m not getting too personal, how much of your past plays a role in your present? Or, another way of asking that is, do you and your husband enjoy “getting off” to some of your past sexcapades? Does he find it sexy to hear about, or is it something that you two avoid?

Erica – Take me as I am

E – My husband does not like hearing about my sexual past. Not because he’s judgmental or embarrassed or possessive, it just doesn’t turn him on I guess. I’ve written about us going to a swingers resort where we we explored quite a bit and enjoyed ourselves, but he didn’t like watching me with other men. And I didn’t really watch him either, which is weird because I do sometimes fantasize about him sleeping with other women. I just haven’t felt the need to watch the real thing happen. Sometimes, the fantasy is hotter.

L – In 2015, in an article you wrote for narratively.com, you said, “Masturbating beside my husband while he sleeps is the last secret I’ve kept from him. Although I’m beginning to fear that it’s actually just the latest secret. My resistance in telling him only proves how fragile recovery is. This week it’s masturbation. But maybe next week it’s back to porn binging. Or obsessive scrolling through Craigslist personals. Or lying about my whereabouts. And so forth. Abstaining from these habits, when so readily available, without abstaining from sexual pleasure completely, or the shame I’ve long bound to it, is a challenge I face daily.” Looking back on that now, how have you fared over the past seven years?

E – It has been a rollercoaster of up and downs. Of me (and us) figuring out what we like and what we don’t, what’s right for us and what’s off limits, what feels safe and what feels dangerous or destructive. But I like the process. Humans evolve and so do our sex lives and I’m grateful to be with someone I could be 100% honest with.

L – What is your sexual life like now – I mean, with yourself and with your partner or partners? In the book you seem open to threesomes and other non-monogamous situations. Have you found a way that works for you individually and you as a couple?

E – We’re open minded but not in an open relationship. So while we do experiment with others, we only do so as a couple. Honesty is sacred to us. We always have conversations before we do anything with anyone else and then we have conversations after that about what we will or won’t do next time.

L – In some articles you wrote after the book came out, you talk about going to nudist resorts with your husband and having “soft-swaps.” You also mention “relapsing” after marriage and sneaking off to masturbate to porn – at least until you came home one day and caught him doing the same thing. Then you lifted the prohibition you had on porn in your relationship and found out something surprising – you two could integrate it into your lives together. Can you talk about that balance? I mean, unlike drug and alcohol addiction, you can’t really ever cut sex, sexuality, or sexual fantasy out of your life 100%. No one is a tee-total reformed sex addict, because we, as human beings, are sexual beings. How have you and your husband been able to navigate that?

E— Unless you’re joining a convent, you’re going to have to find a way to integrate sex (and maybe porn) back into your life in a healthy way. For me, I know the difference between when I’m watching porn to escape a difficult feeling or watching because I simply want to, because it feels good. It’s a fine line and takes a lot of self awareness but it’s possible.

L – In an article you once wrote about the difficulty of being a porn-addicted feminist. You said, “You want to stop because the hypocrisy is so intense it makes you nauseous. You call yourself a feminist, an activist, a conscious citizen, but then you watch women get walked around on leashes and your panties get soaked through. . . [and] you’ll scan over all the gangbangs and golden showers, convinced (or at least hopeful) that your sickness isn’t a sickness, but a natural fascination.” That was in 2016, three years after Belle Knox, a.k.a. Miriam Weeks, was outed as the Duke University porn star and she defended her decisions as her form of feminism. Since then many women have made names and careers for themselves in porn – both in front of the camera and behind it – and have promoted ethical porn and feminist porn. What’s your take on the possibility that porn and feminism are not mutually exclusive?

E – Bodily autonomy and consent is everything. If a woman wants to be a sex worker, she should be allowed to do that. It’s her body. If a woman is coerced into sex work and she feels she has no other choice, that is an entirely different thing.

L – Something I love about the book is your frequent literary references. In addition to porn, you clearly have an affinity for literature. Some favorite authors, books, or movies you go back to frequently?

E – I don’t often reread books, but when I do, it’s usually A Moveable Feast because I find Paris and Hemingway both sexy as hell. Otherwise I feast myself on memoirs, biographies, journals, anything confessional and real. Right now I’m reading (and adoring) I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy, who also had some familiar conflicted feelings about sex and love and her body.

L – A little self-indulgent inquiry now. You reached out to me recently and hinted that you’ve been reading the blog. Are we – HH and me – a part of your sexual fantasy life or your erotic life with your husband? Be honest.

E – For now, your blog is a solitary pleasure. I’m not ready to share you yet 😉

“Don’t be. Erica Garza says you’re just a woman with a healthy libido.”

Interview with “Anal Ambassador” Siswet

Posted on August 7, 2021 by Lola Down

Siswet

Siswet turned out to be incredibly friendly, down-to-earth, and, well, open. Obviously she’s open.

Lola asked her all sorts of questions, some with unexpected answers.

Siswet is known for her extreme anal insertions. She is legendary. She has a huge following and is also cute as a button. Her “button” is also particularly cute as well. It’s hard to believe that such enormous dildos can fit into that tiny, tight, button. Lo asked about that.

Siswet and friend

L – Does it hurt? I mean, you definitely are on the “extreme” end of anal insertions. Does doing what you do hurt? or do you like it?

S – Well, sometimes it does hurt a little. It depends on the size, but as long as it’s not too much pain it’s nice. A bit of pain is okay. But mostly it doesn’t hurt.

L – How did you discover this unique talent of yours? At what age were you when you started exploring anal insertions?

S – I was 18 when I started anal exploring. Of course I started with only a finger and a really small buttplug. I think I started with bigger toys when I was 20 or something.

If you have watched any of Siswet’s videos, you know that her most popular ones are the ones where her dogs just wander onto the scene as she’s filming her cam show. They seem curious and loving as Siswet goes about trying to squirt and insert.

Siswet and one of her dogs

L – How many pets do you have? They often appear in your videos. Is anyone else around when you make the videos?

S – I have two small dogs, Pomeranians, and I have an Amazon parrot. I love them. Usually I’m alone when I make videos. Other people aren’t around, just the dogs.

There are a lot of rumors out there about Siswet’s relationship status. As you all know, Lola loves to reserve anal sex for other men, knowing that that is the one thing that makes me jealous. She loves to make me jealous and hold out on me. We were wondering what Siswet’s relationships would be like. Would she only want anal sex – so called A.O.L. (anal only lifestyle) – or would vaginal sex be more novel and intimate for her.

L – Current relationship status?

S – I don’t have a relationship.

L – Do you have anal sex when with a partner? Do you prefer anal sex?

S – I do have anal sex when I’m with a partner, but I prefer vaginal sex. I like both though.

We also wondered, given the size of those dildos, could her partner feel anything or she feel anything of her partner if they did have anal sex. Notably, there are very few videos showing Siswet having anal sex with a partner.

Multiple Views

L – When you do have anal sex, can you feel the guy’s penis at all?

S – Yes I do. My ass is flexible from the inside. When I don’t do the big anal toys, my ass gets back to normal.

L – I read somewhere that the guys you have dated in the past became jealous of your work. Is that so? How do you manage relationships?

S – Relationships don’t work for me because of my work, indeed. I don’t want a relationship.

L – How do you manage to stay so perfectly clean?

S – Well, when I know I’m gonna do anal that day I clean myself with a klysma or enema in the morning when I wake up and just before my anal show as well.

L – Do you maintain control over your sphincter after such extreme stretching of it? How? Any special exercises?

S – After I’m done with anal toys, I rest my ass for the next day. I also do anal exercises with buttplugs a lot.

L – Have you ever had any unfortunate accidents due to the extreme anal stretching you have undergone?

S – No, never.

L – Thoughts on ass-to-mouth or ass-to-vagina?

S – Ass-to-mouth is no problem for me. I do that sometimes. But ass-to-vagina I never do because that can cause infections and I’m sensitive to bladder infections.

L – What’s the most painful thing you’ve done for your fans?

S – I think taking the Goliath totally up my ass. (See photo for Goliath.)

Goliath

L – In the videos you make with other people, they are almost always with women. Do you prefer women?

Goliath

S – That’s true, I usually make videos with other women. I don’t prefer women though, I prefer men.

L – Do you feel it to be a personal challenge to see how big of an insertion you can take?

S – Yes, it does feel like a personal challenge. It always has felt like a challenge to see how big a toy I could take.

L – Do anal insertions make you squirt, pee, or both?

S – Anal insertions make me squirt, but not always. I don’t pee on video or cam.

L – Favorite thing to put up your ass?

S – I think my favourite toy for my ass is Stan from Bad Dragon. (See image.)

Siswet and Stan

L – A lot of anal gape stars will focus on the prolapse after, but you usually don’t. Any special reason?

S – I actually don’t know why. Not all people like it, I suppose. I do it sometimes in videos.

L – Did you ever lose anything up your asshole?

S – Yes! – my phone. I really was scared I couldn’t get it out anymore. Luckily someone else got it out for me by sticking his arm deep inside to be able to get it out. All I could think was, what if someone tries to call me???

Siswet on a ride

Lo and I both speculated on how a boyfriend or husband would feel about Siswet’s main source of income. Would he be encouraging and supportive or insecure and jealous. Well, she answered that. But we also wondered what it would be like for someone completely ignorant of her internet fame to date her and, upon getting back to her place, finding out what she can do with her ass – either with a dildo or with him or with him and her arm! Her answer really surprised us. Anyone else familiar with “a darkroom”?

L – Have you ever gone out on a date with a guy who didn’t know about your fame?

S – I actually haven’t. Also, I don’t date very often.

L – Did you ever surprise a lover with your incredible talent? If so, what happened?

S – Yes I have, once in a while I go to a darkroom for fun. Then I let some people fuck my ass as a surprise 🙂 I love that a lot.

Cute Siswet

Can you imagine the surprise that it would be to enter Siswet’s ass in the dark of a club’s sex room?

L – Do you read mysexlifewithlola.com or the Match, Cinder & Spark books to get off?

S – I actually love the website a lot! Just today I got off to the story “Tuesday’s Tale.” The books of Match, Cinder & Spark are amazing as well! There is also a e-version available. That’s super easy!

I guess Siswet liked the “Mount Bliss” stories, perhaps because Lily is A.O.L. (Anal Only Lifestyle).

L – Biggest turn-on?

S – One of my biggest turn-ons is that I love licking a man’s ass and play with it with my fingers when having sex. Also, my biggest turn on is having sex in public!

Support Siswet and enjoy her responsibly by going to her OnlyFans site and her chatroom: http://Onlyfans.com/siswet19

http://SiswetLive.com/siswet19

L – Bonus Question: What is your fantasy fuck?

S – My fantasy fuck is a gangbang where I get fucked until I pass out!

Many thanks to Siswet for being so accommodating to do this interview. We know you’re super busy!!!

Cute Siswet

Butt if You Want To – Interview with Siswet

Posted on July 30, 2021 by Lola Down

Siswet

I’m old. We’ve established that. Back in my day I knew nothing of kink. I knew almost nothing of sex. My only exposure to the wonderful world of women was a few moldy Playboy and Penthouse magazines I managed to rummage out of my neighbor’s basement when he paid me to clean it out as he and his wife prepared to divorce and they were selling their house. I was a horny thirteen-year-old and I had no idea the fringe benefits I would reap from earning some extra cash. Back then those magazines didn’t show intercourse, penetration, or even a minor blemish. They were basically slightly more revealing than a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Every woman was a model, but back then they sported a full bush.

Cheryl Bachman in Playboy

Cheryl Bachman bush from behind

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I learned that women are turned on by more than posing on a tennis court in white miniskirts, showing their round rumps. I still vividly remember watching a VCR porno in which the star took a cock anally. It wasn’t one of the high-production pornos. Those are like fine wines with lots of overtones and colors. This video was like a well liquor intended to be banged out quick and pack a wallop. It starred, ironically enough, Lola, as in Lola Vargas, a.k.a. Lola Martin. As I recall, this sexy brunette was with two guys, one of whom entered her anally. When I saw that, if there was any doubt that this was a low-budget, far from mainstream film, then it was confirmed because, you see, back then anal wasn’t a thing. Or at least it wasn’t a thing in any self-respecting, easily accessible porn. It was only something you could find on the fringe, in the cheap discount VHS bin, which was where I shopped in the seedy XXX stores.

Cheryl Bachman front view

Lola before Lola
Lola Vargas/Martin

Cheryl Bachman showing her bush

Today there is an abundance of such sort of porn. Joanna Tulsa in her MidwestFreaks film only added a bit of golden shower to the mix, but other than that, she reminds me a lot of dear Lola, Lola Vargas/Marin that is. Apparently I really do have a type.

Joanna Tulsa True Freak takes a golden shower

Lola Vargas/Martin

Back then, long before I met my Lola, my eyes nearly popped out of my skull when I saw a man penetrate a woman’s asshole. I was like, “Women can do that?!”

So, dear reader, you can imagine my complete shock and awe when I saw my Lola, Lola Down, sneak into the communal men’s showers at the Buddhist monastery in Japan and saw her as she leaned up against the white tiled wall, on tiptoes, her ass up and out, protruding toward the group of us horny, naked guys, and reach around, lathering up her bare butt-cheeks, squeezing her fingers between her buns, and then as she spread her ass wide for us all to see clearly, she circled her special spot in clockwise motions with two fingers before inserting a single finger up her ass to our stunned amazement. She fingered herself seductively as the steamy shower ran down her back, her thighs, her calves, her feet.

My Lola, Lola Down, fingering down there

Dear reader, you can imagine my confusion when Lo first requested to be penetrated from behind by me and then demanded that I alternate from ass-to-puss and finally nearly leaped from my rigid rod in order to pirouette in the air and land on her knees so that she might take my cock in her mouth lest any of my precious seed spill on the floor. A-to-V, A-to-M, A-to-V-to-A-to-M? Really? There are women who do that? I had no idea.

“Did you like fucking my ass, Daddy?”

And finally, dear reader, you can imagine my jealous excitement as I saw Lo repeat this same exact sequence of orifice reception on other men.

But I digress yet again.

Like much else, the genre of anal porn has evolved (or devolved) a lot since the days of my youth. Today you’re all spoiled. (I sound like such a crank!) As much as I was perplexed by this intriguing form of intercourse, today mere penetration of the ass has become passé. No, today, there are: extreme anal insertions; anal fisting; anal gape; anal double and even triple penetration!

Arguably, the reigning queen of this genre of porn is Siswet. Who else can walk into her apartment building nonchalantly with her arm up her own asshole all the way to her elbow? This deceptively petite blonde with an even more deceptively petite rear star has mastered the art of all things ass. And Lola was lucky enough to get an interview with her. Stay tuned for her intimate conversation with the legendary Siswet!

Siswet opens up to Lola

mysexlifewithlola

The trials and tribulations of dating a nymphomaniac.

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