Interview With Sex Surrogate Joslyn Nerdahl

Joslyn Nerdhal

LOLA – Hi Joslyn, it’s an honor to interview you for our blog! To be honest, I had never heard of a sex surrogate or even programs to assist people living with disabilities to have sex until one of the fans of the blog wrote to me. He told us about his condition – he had been injured in an accident that left him paralyzed from the chest down. His accident was over two decades ago and he had to suffer terribly, especially when female aid workers came over to assist him with all sorts of things – showering, getting dressed, etc. – and they’d see him naked, but never the other way around. He found many of them quite attractive. And then one day, a home health aid who had been with him for many years made advances that were probably grossly inappropriate, but were also most welcome by him. After that, he did more research on it and discovered the interview you did with Vice and your work with Spencer Williams. He sent the interview to me. I was blown away! The fact that I hadn’t been aware of this issue – and I consider myself pretty well-versed in all things sex – shows how invisible this is for to the general public. The fact that his home health aid had to resort to something she could get fired for but which he desperately wanted and needed also shows how our system is broken and in need of repair. Will you tell us a bit of how you got into this field and what you do?

Joslyn Nerdhal

J.N. – Thank you Lola, I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this very important topic with you. I get asked about how I got into this field of sexuality a lot, even as a Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist in my private coaching practice people ask me all the time “How did you get into this?!” LOL!  

I started out as a typical sex worker years ago, doing erotic massage and adult entertainment to pay the bills. Eventually I got engaged to be married and tried to transition out of the sex work industry for the sake of my relationship; it was during this time I started my private sex coaching practice, and it was also when I found Sensual Solutions – the agency for folks with physical disabilities – and I met with Trish St. John (owner/founder) to see if working together would be a good fit. We had a meeting that was supposed to be 30 mins…3 hours later we were still talking! Needless to say, we hit it off. But my fiance at the time was not comfortable with me taking the job. Once that relationship deteriorated, Trish was the first call I made and we’ve been working together ever since. Within the same year, I registered for school and eventually completed my sexology degree. I now help folks individually and in couples with their sex lives through private coaching sessions. I also teach sex ed classes to students and speak at conferences and workshops sometimes on sexual diversity, sex and disability and sex work. And sometimes I do still work as a surrogate partner for people with physical disabilities.

Joslyn Nerdhal

LOLA – After I heard from this fan, I actually started getting a lot of fan mail from other people with various kinds of disabilities. One of the most interesting (and saddest) was of a man who was also in an accident and the injury he sustained was directly to his penis. It was shorted and misshapen and he was unable to find a sexual partner who would be ok with this. He also suffered terrible anxiety about it that resulted in erectile disfunction. He told me that he was only able to get erect through virtual conversations and cybersex. Have you encountered anything like this and would this be in your scope of services?

J.N. – Absolutely, erectile challenges are extremely common, even with folks who haven’t been injured in an accident. The mental anxiety people experience – both men and women – when they’ve got negative self-talk, body image concerns, body dysmorphia and/or a lack of confidence can result in paralyzing fear that does manifest in physical consequences…like the inability to maintain an erection, or to self-lubricate or to even relax enough to get aroused, let alone reach climax. The study of sexology is not just the study of human sexual behaviour but also how we think and feel about it; it is commonly stated that our most important sex organ is the brain.

Valentina Bianco

Valentina Bianco

LOLA – One of my fans turned me on to pornoeducativo.com and the video with Valentina Bianco. https://befuck.net/xid/21240957/ I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but is that educational or porn? I mean, is that similar to what you and other sex surrogates do or a wild exaggeration?

Vanlentia Bianco

J.N. – I have never seen a video like this before, I was waiting for it to turn into a porn, considering the site it is on, but all they did was talk and snuggle for 23 mins lol…so yeah, that I’d say that is pretty realistic because a lot of discussion is needed for these interactions. I wouldn’t necessarily call it educational either though, since we can’t hear anything they’re saying. It would’ve been nice to hear some of the negotiations or topics they were discussing. 

Valentina Bianco

Valentina Bianco

LOLA – Which brings me to the subject of fetishes. Ever since my friend directed my attention to the sexual needs of people with disabilities, I’ve become increasingly more aware of a sub-category of kink which is sex involving people with all sorts of disabilities. Now, you’re very sex-positive, but do you think this is dangerous or harmful in any way or do you think it is helpful to get people to realize that we all like, even love, sex?

J.N. – I think it can be dangerous to fetishize anyone, not just people with disabilities, but trans folks, plus sized people, different ethnicities, et cetera… because if that is all you’re appreciating about a person you’re reducing them to a 2-dimensional being and it is very dehumanizing. There is definitely a fine line between having a healthy kink-preference and fetishizing folks.

And how you can tell the difference is whether or not that person’s interest in you extends beyond the bedroom into other facets of your life as well…not just sexually; caring about your hopes and dreams and struggles and hobbies and interests, not just about orgasms.

LOLA – From what I’ve learned in other interviews and news stories about you, it seems that some of your clients are long-term. If you can, will you tell us what it’s like to have a long-term client who might engage in what Freud called “transference” – the projecting onto you feelings that the client has? I imagine a long-term client is very different from a one-off.

J.N. – Yes, transference can definitely take place and that is why typically in the surrogate partner scenario (especially in the U.S.) there is also a licensed therapist involved supporting the client to work through those complicated emotions; ideally there is a set number of sessions you agree to in order to work through a self-identified goal or concern, knowing there is an end date. There have been instances where my working relationship had to end with a client because the connection with me became problematic for them rather than helped them, but it is rare. Ultimately, if I’m doing my job correctly of course, there will be some level of attachment. It is to be expected when you’re handling intimacy.

LOLA – I don’t know anything of your personal life (and you don’t have to reveal anything here), but I wonder what it’s like to be in a romantic relationship at home and then be like, “I’ll see you later, hun, I’m off to work,” when work is literally helping people to cum. Does it make for any complications or unusual strains on the relationship?

J.N. – I have encountered both ends of the spectrum with my personal romantic partnerships; I’ve had partners like my ex-fiance who were not comfortable at all with me touching other people, even in a professional capacity, (despite learning later he wasn’t faithful himself!) and so it caused problems in the relationship…and I’ve also dated very mature and self-realized partners who weren’t threatened by my professional life at all because they understand how it helps people rather than hurts people and that it is still work for me and it is not the same as what I do in my personal life. I have strong boundaries and safer sex standards that keep what I do at work very separate from what I do at home with my personal partners. I have been told more than once that my experience itself is intimidating, and that’s ok because if you’re intimidated by me, you probably can’t satisfy me in bed anyway!

I also have zero tolerance for whoreaphobia now; if you don’t or can’t respect sex workers then I have no use for you anyhow.

LOLA – Can you give a description of what sorts of techniques you would use during a surrogate session? I mean, does it only involve hands or could it also involve feet, full nudity, oral, and/or more?

J.N. – Every session is different, because every client is different and dealing with a varied level of experience, injury and or sensation. I often do body mapping with clients which is a process of going through a checklist of different types of touch on different areas of the body (*hint* NOT just genitals can be erogenous zones!) and they can range from sensual to educational to erotic…sometimes sessions are more educational in nature because it’s the first time seeing a live naked body, or learning about anatomy or safer sex practices or how to use different toys. Sometimes companionship and compassionate touching is more necessary than orgasms because cuddling isn’t available to them. Sometimes I help 2 partners learn how to be intimate with each other and I’m more of a guide and support for them. No two sessions are alike.

LOLA – Do you ever just read to your clients? If so, would you be interested in a free copy of Match, Cinder & Spark to read to them?

Sure that would be great! I’d love a free copy.

To find out more about Josyln Nerdhal and what she does, check out:

Josyln Nerdhal’s website is mojomediator.com and people can find her on IG and Twitter at MojoMediator.

Also check out her Sensual Solutions website:

http://www.sensualsolutions.ca/

Match, Cinder & Spark, Review by Jen Coulter